Is there a sexual spark in your relationship?

Here's how to resurrect it and end your dry spell.
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Is there a sexual spark in your relationship - (Photo by Kamaji Ogino from Pexels)

Do you feel like your sex life is stuck in a rut in your relationship?

You're not the only one who feels this way.

It's common for your sex life to go through ups and downs when you've been in a relationship for a time.

However, when you're at your lowest, everything might seem bleak.

According to a recent poll conducted by Burton Constable Holiday Park (don't ask us why they're conducting this research; we're not sure either), 22% of respondents claimed their romantic spark had vanished.

What is the most common reason provided for this? There is a scarcity of physical tenderness. Perhaps PDA is worth a go... If you don't want to put on a show, simply have greater physical closeness at home.

Other causes for a pause included not going on enough dates with their spouse, a lack of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time, among others.

Dora Hopson, a relationship specialist, advised that couples should take regular vacations together to address this issue. *

Alright, now we see why a vacation park commissioned this study.

'I don't believe many couples spend the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn't a judgment; it's difficult when you have life admin to deal with,' Dora adds.

Spending time on romance is easily pushed to the bottom of the priority list.

While a romantic trip sounds appealing, it isn't the only method to break a sexual rut.

For advice, we spoke with Lucy Beresford, a relationship specialist and author.

Don't take a dry spell too seriously.

There are several reasons why sex does not occur as regularly as it once did. Don't make hasty judgments.

Recognize that sex is multifaceted and may be about your partner's stress or lack of confidence, rather than you and how appealing you are.

Focus on loving and respecting yourself so you are not dependant on how your spouse feels about you.

Have an open and honest discussion.

It's difficult to feel that you're the only one in your relationship who isn't experiencing sexual passion.

Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step toward resolving it.

‘The correct quantity of sex varies by relationship, so start by having talks about the present circumstance to learn how your spouse feels and to gently convey your own requirements,' Dora advises.

Make sure you have these talks when you both have time to express your needs and listen to each other, and that you keep the dialogue pleasant and blame-free.

‘See whether your spouse believes the lack of sex is due to a non-sexual relationship problem.'

If they believe you're preoccupied, don't make time for them, or aren't emotionally supportive of them, for example, you should first work together to address that issue.'

Get rid of your feelings of guilt, blame, and humiliation.

Stop chastising yourself for not having an all-nighter every other day.

'Remember that we frequently make the mistake of thinking that everyone else – especially those we see on social media – has the perfect relationship with plenty of sex,' Lucy adds. 'However, many couples haven't had sex in weeks, months, or even since the outbreak began.'

According to studies, up to 15% of couples are experiencing a sexless relationship. So, have compassion for what you and your spouse have been through in the last 18 months, and know that you are taking the appropriate steps to address this now.'

Make sure your language is correct.

As a follow-up to the previous point, avoid assigning blame while discussing your sex life with your spouse.

‘Use ‘I' words (“I have enjoyed it when...”) rather than ‘you' ones (‘you never/always...'),' Dora suggests. This might help you avoid feeling attacked or blamed by your spouse.'

Make a list of action items.

We understand that this seems formal, but develop a specific strategy for rekindling the sexual flame.

‘Examples include establishing a vow to kiss before one of you leaves the house or returns home, or taking an evening to just gaze at each other, or massage each other, to relieve the burden of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex,' Dora says.

Take simple measures to increase your physical activity.

When you're having a hard time initiating sex, it might seem insurmountable - especially if you've always depended on your spouse to get things started.

Focus on modest acts of physical closeness to relieve the pressure.

'Kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking,' Dora explains, 'has a tremendously good effect on building the link of affection without driving up the expectation that it has to be about sex.'

'Baby stages are more necessary than going straight for full-on intimacy as you both get back into the routine of sexual activity.'

Examine your own level of self-assurance.

Dora advises, "Focus on your own body confidence, which may have eroded through the lack of sex."

Make sure you're comfortable going nude and schedule some self-love time to help you reclaim a healthy self-image.

Concentrate on having a good time.

You're on the wrong track if you're worried about getting the 'proper' quantity of mind-blowing sex.

Remove the pressure to climax – or even to engage in penetrative sex, if it is too much for you right now.

Instead, push yourself and your spouse to have some fun, get personal, and discover what feels good - there's no pressure, and there's no hurry.

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