Couple
Strong feelings for another person are too easy to get swept up in. After all, love is a strong cocktail of thoughts, and it can begin to seem like it's all that really matters. But experts believe that there are quite a few things that are more important than love in a relationship. And it is important to keep those things in mind when going forward as a couple.
That doesn't, however, say at the same time that you can't be a complete romantic. Love poems are fabulous. The best are dinner dates. And nothing beats a doting partner getting flowers (or pizza). These are fun add-ons; you can do sweet things for each other to illustrate just how passionate you are. But just like your heart-shaped giant eyes, they're not what's going to hold you together.
That doesn't, however, say at the same time that you can't be a complete romantic. Love poems are fabulous. The best are dinner dates. And nothing beats a doting partner getting flowers (or pizza). These are fun add-ons; you can do sweet things for each other to illustrate just how passionate you are. But just like your heart-shaped giant eyes, they're not what's going to hold you together.
1. Being Able To Trust Each Other
It doesn't matter how much you
love another person: it's not going to work if you can't trust them.
Trust is vital to healthy relationships, which is why when evaluating a
couple's connection, it's always one of the first things experts look
for.
And we're not just talking about cheating and infidelity, but we're talking about confidence in intimate information, confidence in being vulnerable, confidence that they will come through in a a difficult time, and so on, Klapow says. Everything means that your partner has your back and you've got theirs.
You will live a life of stress and hurt without trust. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend your days having a shady or unavailable partner with the gut-twisting concern that comes with it? It's no way to live, so make it a goal of trust.
You can work on getting there over time if it doesn't come right away, possibly with the help of a therapist. Talk about why you don't feel safe or cared for at present, and come up with ways to build confidence together.
And we're not just talking about cheating and infidelity, but we're talking about confidence in intimate information, confidence in being vulnerable, confidence that they will come through in a a difficult time, and so on, Klapow says. Everything means that your partner has your back and you've got theirs.
You will live a life of stress and hurt without trust. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend your days having a shady or unavailable partner with the gut-twisting concern that comes with it? It's no way to live, so make it a goal of trust.
You can work on getting there over time if it doesn't come right away, possibly with the help of a therapist. Talk about why you don't feel safe or cared for at present, and come up with ways to build confidence together.
2. Having A Solid Sense Of Respect
Have
you ever had this conversation or witnessed it? My partner is such a
jerk." "Then why are you staying with them?" "Because I love them. "This
classic exchange demonstrates how love can blind you to a bad
situation's reality, including being with someone who doesn't show
respect to you."
Especially when the idea of breaking up and losing the person you love so much sounds positively miserable, it is tempting to look the other way. Keep in mind, though, how much more important respect is than just being in love when looking for a solid relationship.
As therapist Nancy Kislin, LCSW, MFT, says, respect is all about respecting the distinctions between each other. There's no need for a couple to have the same interests or even passions, but they need the ability to understand the other, she says to Bustle. Without judgment, demands, and unreachable expectations, one must be present with his partner.
Especially when the idea of breaking up and losing the person you love so much sounds positively miserable, it is tempting to look the other way. Keep in mind, though, how much more important respect is than just being in love when looking for a solid relationship.
As therapist Nancy Kislin, LCSW, MFT, says, respect is all about respecting the distinctions between each other. There's no need for a couple to have the same interests or even passions, but they need the ability to understand the other, she says to Bustle. Without judgment, demands, and unreachable expectations, one must be present with his partner.
3. Feeling Safe & Secure Around Each Other
In
your relationship, are you safe? Are you feeling secure? If the answer
is "no," then how much you love the individual, especially if it has
become an emotionally abusive relationship, doesn't even matter a bit. A
toxic situation, no matter how you try to frame it, is a toxic
situation. But seeing that when all you're focused on is love can be
really tough.
These types of relationships, of course, can get stickier than that. As LCSW therapist Rachel Dubrow says, "If you are in a love relationship, it is likely that you will stay in it because one or more of your inherent needs are met." Love can satisfy many needs, such as a need for support, or connection, for validation.
It's often best to look for a safe way out in the event of a toxic situation. Love, no matter how hard you try, is never going to be enough to fix an emotionally abusive partner.
These types of relationships, of course, can get stickier than that. As LCSW therapist Rachel Dubrow says, "If you are in a love relationship, it is likely that you will stay in it because one or more of your inherent needs are met." Love can satisfy many needs, such as a need for support, or connection, for validation.
It's often best to look for a safe way out in the event of a toxic situation. Love, no matter how hard you try, is never going to be enough to fix an emotionally abusive partner.
4. Working On Your Overall Sense Of Happiness As A Couple
Everyone
wants to be happy, and happiness, while you won't be happy all the
time, is very important. In reality, when you're unhappy, it's natural
to go through long periods of time, particularly if you're dealing with a
crisis. But the happier times should come out on top when you sum up
the overall happy times and sad times.
This takes work, even in the most loving, head-over-heels relationships. It is important to continue learning about each other, including expressing your hopes , dreams and fears, Klapow says. "It is important to consider what drives your partner in their lives and how that can evolve over time," he says.
Not only does it help you feel closer, but when times get tough, it can also mean giving each other a boost. Love is one thing, but helping each other truly helps build the illusion that you really have a partner. And what could have been better than that?
This takes work, even in the most loving, head-over-heels relationships. It is important to continue learning about each other, including expressing your hopes , dreams and fears, Klapow says. "It is important to consider what drives your partner in their lives and how that can evolve over time," he says.
Not only does it help you feel closer, but when times get tough, it can also mean giving each other a boost. Love is one thing, but helping each other truly helps build the illusion that you really have a partner. And what could have been better than that?
5. Genuinely Liking Each Other
It
is more normal for people to remain in relationships with people they
don't really like because they love them, than you think. Think about
that family member who always judges you or is not so easy to get along
with, if you can't wrap your brain around it. Because they're family,
you love them, but you don't actually like being around them.
With
a partner, the same thing can occur. You may love them so much, but you
don't like hanging out, you don't make each other laugh, and you don't
have anything in common. So if stuff has become old, take note.
While
you can't force yourself to like someone, it is important to create and
sustain an ongoing sense of connection. Klapow says, "It's all about
really being curious about who your partner is, who they are becoming,
and how you can find common interests and relationships."
6. Retaining Your Sense Of Self
Before
you were a "we," you were a "you," and when you get into a
relationship, you can continue to be a "you." There's no amount of love
to give up the core of who you are deserving of. That's a problem if you
get into a relationship and you eventually lose yourself, forget your
own interests, and give up on your goals.
This is not inherently a dealbreaker, and this is not the fault of the partnership (or your partner). But you'll want to make an effort to hang on to who you are, the fundamental truths. By making time for things that are important to you, and motivating your partner to do the same, you will work with your partner to get back to yourself.
Have you been in the midst of writing a book? Had they been practising for a half marathon? In reality, encouraging each other to return to their own hobbies and interests leads to a greater sense of love as well as a more meaningful connection.
This is not inherently a dealbreaker, and this is not the fault of the partnership (or your partner). But you'll want to make an effort to hang on to who you are, the fundamental truths. By making time for things that are important to you, and motivating your partner to do the same, you will work with your partner to get back to yourself.
Have you been in the midst of writing a book? Had they been practising for a half marathon? In reality, encouraging each other to return to their own hobbies and interests leads to a greater sense of love as well as a more meaningful connection.
7. Hanging Onto Your Independence In The Relationship
In
a similar way, it's not just important in a relationship to feel free
to do the things you want to do, to be yourself, to go to places, and to
have your own thoughts and feelings. By losing everything to love,
you're actually going to do it as a disservice.
In your choices, you should (and certainly should) include your partner, but you should also feel free to determine what's best for you and, if appropriate, to carve out your own course. As an example, this might look like going to graduate school for a few years on the opposite side of the nation, even though it means being separate. You will understand and support the right partner.
Ultimately, reflecting on your own individuality would enhance the bond because, instead of defining yourself through the relationship, you will both come to it as fully actualized humans.
In your choices, you should (and certainly should) include your partner, but you should also feel free to determine what's best for you and, if appropriate, to carve out your own course. As an example, this might look like going to graduate school for a few years on the opposite side of the nation, even though it means being separate. You will understand and support the right partner.
Ultimately, reflecting on your own individuality would enhance the bond because, instead of defining yourself through the relationship, you will both come to it as fully actualized humans.
8. Creating A Fair Partnership
Nothing
beats being with someone who is a genuine partner in crime. It'll feel
like you can handle anything as a couple when that's the case, no matter
what life throws your way. If the partnership is unequal, though, and
only one person makes an effort, it'll go downhill fast.
To build the type of relationship that lasts, it is important to focus on striking a balance when it comes to things like chores, emotional support, and so on. Sure, by standing up when necessary and being compassionate, you can help each other out, and show love. But make sure to periodically check in so that things stay equal.
As Kislin says,' Having love at the core can distract from other questions and feelings when evaluating a relationship as a whole, such as' Do we want the same things?',' Can we compromise well?',' Do we respect each other?',' Are we emotionally available?' among others,' Keep asking yourself these questions, and it will never feel unilateral.
To build the type of relationship that lasts, it is important to focus on striking a balance when it comes to things like chores, emotional support, and so on. Sure, by standing up when necessary and being compassionate, you can help each other out, and show love. But make sure to periodically check in so that things stay equal.
As Kislin says,' Having love at the core can distract from other questions and feelings when evaluating a relationship as a whole, such as' Do we want the same things?',' Can we compromise well?',' Do we respect each other?',' Are we emotionally available?' among others,' Keep asking yourself these questions, and it will never feel unilateral.
9. Updating Each Other About Your Needs
Getting
a perfect, stable relationship with little or no sex is entirely
possible, whether that's what you both want, or if you've found a way to
make things work. But if sex is something that really matters to you,
and you can't get on the same sexual page no matter what you do, you're
going to have some miserable times.
This brings us back to the notion that it's more important to your happiness than love. You should work on your sexual compatibility, of course, but it doesn't matter how much you love your partner if you've done it all and you're tired of trying. It will become a big challenge to hold back or feel like your needs aren't being met.
"As Klapow says," In a relationship, nothing is static. As time passes and people change and the relationship changes, if the relationship is to last, this needs to be acknowledged. "Talking about sex more frequently will keep the bond alive.
This brings us back to the notion that it's more important to your happiness than love. You should work on your sexual compatibility, of course, but it doesn't matter how much you love your partner if you've done it all and you're tired of trying. It will become a big challenge to hold back or feel like your needs aren't being met.
"As Klapow says," In a relationship, nothing is static. As time passes and people change and the relationship changes, if the relationship is to last, this needs to be acknowledged. "Talking about sex more frequently will keep the bond alive.
10. Working On Your Communication Skills
Communication
is the fuel in the engine of love, which is why without it there can't
be real, enduring love. In a relationship, you need contact to set
limits, show your affection, fix issues, talk about your desires, and
even to have good sex.
As Dubrow says, when a couple gets caught up in misunderstandings, avoids such difficult subjects, or focuses too much on one issue in their relationship, leading to cyclical arguments, a relationship will start to crumble. That can lead to anger and resentment, in turn.
In the universe, you can have all the attention, but good communication will be what makes it work in the long term. "It is important to get 'on the same page' in relationships," Dubrow says, "so that you can learn to move through tough times."
As Dubrow says, when a couple gets caught up in misunderstandings, avoids such difficult subjects, or focuses too much on one issue in their relationship, leading to cyclical arguments, a relationship will start to crumble. That can lead to anger and resentment, in turn.
In the universe, you can have all the attention, but good communication will be what makes it work in the long term. "It is important to get 'on the same page' in relationships," Dubrow says, "so that you can learn to move through tough times."
11. Feeling Ready For The Relationship
The
core is also entirely complicated. You may love somebody, but you don't
want to be with them, or you just don't want to be with them now. You
may have other priorities, you may feel inaccessible emotionally, or you
may just not be ready to make a commitment. Timing is also important
here, which is why love may outweigh wanting to be in the relationship.
If things feel a little off, talking about what you want with your partner, and where you see things going long-term, will help both of you find out if what you have is really, really working. All relationships are different, and there are a lot of solvable problems. But in a healthy relationship, love, though wonderful and obviously necessary, is not the only ingredient, or even (possibly) the most important ingredient.
If things feel a little off, talking about what you want with your partner, and where you see things going long-term, will help both of you find out if what you have is really, really working. All relationships are different, and there are a lot of solvable problems. But in a healthy relationship, love, though wonderful and obviously necessary, is not the only ingredient, or even (possibly) the most important ingredient.
